It’s now been four months since I lost my husband to depression. Losing a loved one is never easy, but I think even more so when it’s a beloved spouse. At times it can be soul-crushing. There are days my heart aches and I struggle to breath. Yet, despite that, there are also days I am able to smile, and even laugh. It helps that I am not completely alone. I have good friends and family looking out for me, helping me through all this.
I am so very grateful for the friends that have stood by me throughout this. It’s made the horrendous process of dealing with his estate a lot less daunting. It’s sad when a life is deconstructed into various piles of things. Material objects that are mostly meaningless to everyone except the deceased. Having my friends here to help me sort through it all made it a lot more bareable.
That’s not to say that I’m getting rid of everything. I’m keeping a number of things that I know meant a lot to him in life, and also keeping the things that meant a lot to the both of us. For now the memories they evoke still hurt my heart, but I am hoping in time the ache will lessen and I will be able to look back on those memories more fondly.
I look forward to finalizing the last of the legal and financial paperwork in regards to the estate. It has taken a lot of my time and energy. Between that, keeping my own business going and reviving my husband’s business, I barely have had time to breathe. Getting the loose ends of this chapter in my life tied up will allow me to have closure and help me move on with my own life.
I’m not sure exactly what form my life will take in the future. For now I plan to remain in the house my husband and I bought together. In my mind, it will always be our house. Not his. Not mine. Ours. We made the decision together. We signed all the documents together, and we paid for it together. It was ours.
One thing I am struggling with is the other money in his estate. We always kept our finances seperate. I never laid claim to his, and he never laid claim to mine. His money was his, because he had earned it. The fact that we had signed a marriage certificate didn’t automatically mean I had earned it as well. He put in the long hours at his job. He dealt with the stresses of his career. He earned every penny he was paid.
Yet, now, for all intents and purposes, I am given that money and it somehow feels wrong to accept it. If there wasn’t a stipulation in the Will about not giving it away to anyone, I probably would do just that. He knew that, too, which is why that stipulation in the Will exists. It was his way of saying he still wanted to take care of me, even after he was gone.
So I will continue on and I will use his funds for the bare essentials in my life and nothing more. I didn’t need or want his money to take care of me. I wanted his arms around me. His shoulder to cry on. His input and advice. I trusted him with so much of myself. More than I have ever shared with anyone else. I lost not only my best friend and lover, I lost my confidant as well.
I will continue to work and earn my own income, to save and spend as I like. Maybe I’ll start traveling more. Maybe the novel I’m working on will be successful and I’ll become a writer. My life can go in many different directions once I’m finally ready to move on from this tragedy.
Have you lost a loved one? How did you manage to cope and move on with your life?